A Matter of the Heart

In February of 2020 I had heart surgery.  It was fairly significant, a double bypass, but it went well. For me, as far as I know, there was no heart attack or other traumatic event preceding it.  It was detected by medical professionals noticing that my heart rate was a bit on the high side (tachycardia).  Tests led to an angiogram.  The angiogram discovered significant blockages in a couple of the arteries that feed my heart. I hadn't had any traumatic events, but I was definitely primed to have one if I waited around to address the issue.  Physical recovery has been good, but there have been other complications.

Among the long list of items I was instructed about was a mention that there might be some depression following surgery.  I wasn't too concerned.  I've prided myself on being a fairly level-headed guy (your opinions may differ) and I have an excellent support network with many very caring friends and family members. I was certain I would power through it largely unscathed.  As you might guess, it wasn't quite that simple.

For me there were additional complications.  First, I retired from a job that I had had for nearly 40 years. For many this is a time of celebration.  You can now "do what you want to do".  My problem with it is that I was already doing what I wanted to do.  I very much enjoyed the social interaction and the sense of purpose that it provided.  I wasn't done changing the world yet.  But, they offered me a package that I couldn't refuse and the timing was good given the need to recover from my surgery.

Second, I struggle with stereotypes associated with being "old".  I don't appreciate being over 60 as much as I should.  Millions of people in our past never made it that far.  On average, I'm pretty happy with the life that's been given to me.  On the other hand, society, or at least my perception of it, sure seems to want to put you on the shelf.  Frankly, I'm not done yet and hope to add many more experiences, both good and bad, to this thing called "my life".  I turned 61 in June.

In addition to these more personal complications are the issues that we all share. It has been 2020 after all.  I'm affected, perhaps more deeply that I ought to be, by the ups and downs of our social/political context.  The unmitigated, self-defeating, short sighted stupidity of the political and behavioral choices made in the U.S. and other parts of the world does tend to bring you down a bit.  Then, of course, there's the COVID-19 pandemic.  Aside from the fear that I may catch the virus and die at any moment there's the substantial diminishing of human contact that's required to combat the disease effectively.  That has been icing on the cake.

In hindsight, I may have overestimated by mental and emotional resilience.  May, June, and July were horrible months.  At its peak, I was afraid to leave my bedroom to even go to other parts of my house. I said and did things the stupidity of which I could only marvel at, at the time.  I had a boarder/roommate coming into the year, but that relationship went south and they moved out.  This, as you may guess, didn't help things much either. It was a very unpleasant time for me.

Time, along with a little help from your friends even when they don't know that they're helping, is a great healer.  The things that worked for me began with awareness.  "The first step in any 12-step program is to ..." Yup, that's the place to start.  I was fortunate that my ability to even do this was enhanced by the mindfulness practices that I've been doing for several years.  After a bit of searching, I did find a counselor that I liked. We only talked a handful of times, but he helped me to appreciate that the trajectory that I was on was much improved.  Second for me, was to be included in my daughter's family's bubble.  There may be no better therapy than interacting with a toddler and being around those who love you.  Third, occupational therapy.  Over the years I've maintained an ever growing list of things that I've put off "until retirement". Well, it seemed like the time had come for many of these and they provided excellent mechanisms for distracting me from my perceived woes and providing me with a sense of accomplishment.  Fourth, reading and a knowledge or history.  Humans have accumulated a lot to be proud of and a lot to be ashamed of over the millennia.  We've definitely dealt with a lot of crap thrown our way, much of it self-imposed, and survived. We will again.  Fifth, technology.  I'm incredibly grateful for the Zooms, Facetimes, telephones, email, etc. that enable me to connect with others even in the limited ways that they provide.  I can't even imagine what life was like during the Spanish Flu pandemic.  Sixth, being able to get outside and interact face-to-face with others.  It's not the same because you still need to keep your distance, but it definitely provides a connection that technology can't.  The exercise doesn't hurt either.  Finally, but not least, perspective and reframing.  Recognizing that you can't always change reality but that you can usually change your expectations is extremely powerful.

On the side of things that I wish I had done, at least prior to my surgery, begins of course with eating better and exercising more.  Beyond that though I would have liked to have warned those around me that I'm likely to get a bit nutty.  It may be painful and require patience, but it will pass.  I recommend this to you if you ever have heart issues that you need to deal with.  As illustrated, the heart issue wasn't the only complication but it was a key trigger and enabler.

I'm not normally this much of an "open book".  You may believe that these are all "first world problems".  You're probably right, but keep in mind that happiness or unhappiness is a change in state, not an absolute quantity.  If anything from my experience helps you in your journey, whatever it may be, then you win and so do I.  I'm happy to share. 

... and by the way, yes, I'm feeling MUCH better now and I look forward to interacting with many of you in whatever our new normal settles into being.

[Reading over this, this looks kind of like a "Christmas Letter". ... weird.]